I had a birthday this week, and I got a lot of great gifts, the kinds of gifts that show that your friends know who you are, and that they love you for it. I got a samurai knife from my friend Larry Silverton, who only gives knives, he says, to the people he cares for deeply. I received an original Andre Jackson oil on canvas from my dearest pal, Andre Jackson, and an elegant glass vessel with a spigot on it (no idea what it might be called) for holding cold beverages on hot days—a gift from friend and fellow food scribe Andrea Arria-Devoe, who made a cucumber-mint agua fresca, for a taco party that I had on a 100 degree day last May that turned out to be the most asked-after item after the party (every party has one). (Andrea, will you share your recipe because for sure people will ask?). Ralph Waxman made me a compilation of music made by Pisces musicians (how cool is that?) while Margy Rochlin gave me a chocolate chipper because she knows I have a thing for making cookies containing chips of chocolate. And then today, just as I thought my life and my friends and my birthday couldn’t get any better, I got this, below, from my partner in writing crime, Michael Krikorian (aka Morty Goldstein). The spelling and grammatical errors are proudly his own. I generally like to correct his errors when he sends me his stories, but as he says, “You would probably correct the Night Watch… and yes, I am comparing myself to Rembrandt.”
UGLY PEOPLE PROTEST B-DAY PARTY
BY MORTY GOLDSTEIN
Times Staff Writer
The president of SOUPOA, the Society of Ugly People of America , filed a federal law suit Tuesday in a downtown courtroom alleging that “Carolyn “Spookie” Carreno refused to admit un-attractive people to her birthday party and choose instead to only invite attractive party goers.”
“It is obvious by the lack of ugly people at the party that Carreno is being prejudicial against people with a lack of attractiveness and people who straight out look like they got hit with a shit stick,” said Bill Swineberg, a lawyer for SOUPA president Mac “Barf Face” Gorbelson. “In addition we contend that Carreno was surrounded her self with attractive people in a vain attempt to make her own self look good.”
A video aired on the website TMZ seemed to confirm Swineberg and Gorbelson’s claims. The video showed about a dozen very attractive women mingling with four to five nice looking men including international playboy Lorenzo Silverton, know as the Jewish Hugh Hefner.
“Let’s just say if Larry Silverton was there, there were plenty of hot broads,” said TMZ’s Harvey Levine. “That guy does not tolerate ugly women.
Indeed, insiders have leaked a video showing Silverton spending hours talking to Carreno’s niece Johnna, a 19-year old sex kitten with very nice tits which were on display for most of the Western World to observe. In the beginning of the video, Silverton is seen talking to Johnna at a distance of three feet. Half way through, he has cut that distance in half and by the time the video ends he is literally cheek to cheek with her,” said one party goer speaking on the condition of anonymity. Another source said Silverton even canceled his morning Pilates class to get a so-called “Private Lesson“ from Johnna.
In addition, guests included the likes of Melissa, a blonde fox who lives on Washington and La Brea in an 18th Street gang neighborhood who captivated several party goers foremost among them Ralph Waxman, a high ranking official in the Obama Administration. In the video aired on TMZ, Waxman is seen talking to her of the virtues of a “pastrami sandwich” whatever that is.
“The last think Obama needs now is for one of his prime players to be involved in some sordid sex scandal,” said a White House official also speaking on the condition of anonymity. ‘We know nothing about this Melissa person. She might even be a republican, but I doubt it knowing Waxman’s taste for woman and Carreno’s taste for friends.”
Still many were upset that there were no ugly people in attendance. One of SOUPOA’s biggest backers, and one of the ugliest people in America was outraged by the party
“Oh, we ugly people are not good enough for Carreno,”: said former Vice President Dick Cheney who has barricaded himself in Blair House the Vice president residence and refused to open the door to newly elected vice president Joe Biden. “I saw video of the party taken by our spy satellites in outer space. Even Carreno’s mom is a sexy thang. She gotta be upper 50s I bet, I wonder if she’d like an 80-year old ugly ,mean spirited devil who enjoys waterboarding. Could you ask her?”
Adrea Davis, Angela’s daughter, was another stunner who attended the party. She did not deny the claim that unattractive people were not welcome. ”Let’s face it,” said Davis who was also chatting with Waxman, ’It’s a party and no one really wants to see ugly people. They make me sick.”
Also in attendance and looking good was Robin and Mitch and Margie and Robert as well as the goddess of the Los Angeles food world, Nancy Silverton herself who looked lovely in one of her signature Marni outfits. “Carolyn is a pretty woman and she likes pretty things in life and that includes people,” Silverton told a gathering of ugly people Tuesday afternoon at Pizzeria Mozza. “I, on the other hand, will welcome even you pathetic freaks as long as you pay good money for my pizzas. But, hurry up and eat and get out of here. You people are starting to repulse me.”
Carreno, a James Beard award wining writer, would not comment on the charges on the advice of her lawyer, George Clooney. If convicted, Carreno faces up to five years of confinement at Disney World in Orlando, Florida, where more ugly people gather than anywhere in America.
“I think it’s a shame there were no ugly people at the party,” said SOUPOA president Gorbelson. “Did you see how fine Camille looked. That’s not fair .to look that good I mean even the fuckin’ vegetables were pretty. The carrots looked like they were from a Cezanne painting. Even the goddamn radishes were looking hot. Radishes, and some people, are supposed to be ugly.”